Holidays, Family, and Learning to Set Boundaries
Holidays can be so hard sometimes. And honestly, a lot of the time, it’s the people we love most that make them the hardest. I know that sounds kind of harsh, but it’s true.
I’ve always loved the holidays. When I became a mom, I couldn’t wait to celebrate with my kids. I had all these ideas in my head of little traditions we’d start and build on as our own little family. But things didn’t exactly go the way I pictured.
The first three years of our marriage were… a lot. Both our parents lived close enough that we could see them for every holiday, so we tried to split things up—Thanksgiving with one side, Christmas with the other, and then swap the next year. We thought that was fair. Our parents? Not so much.
My mother-in-law felt like all the holidays should be at her house. Thanksgiving dinner at noon, and we were “supposed” to spend the night on Christmas Eve. That didn’t leave much for my family. And honestly, we were already trying to be there for Christmas anyway, because it was the only time of year we saw one of my sister-in-laws. So she really didn’t need to be so demanding.
My parents tried to work with it, but my mom still wanted to see us on the actual day. She decided she’d serve Thanksgiving at 6:30 p.m. So here’s what that looked like: drive 1.5 hours to my in-laws, eat and visit for a while, then drive 2.5 hours to my parents to eat again, then drive home that night. And let me tell you that doing that year after year gets old real fast.
I talked to my parents again (because my husband wouldn’t talk to his), and we agreed to start having our side’s holiday on a different day. That helped a little, but my mom still felt pushed aside, my husband and I were starting to feel the strain, and it was just… a mess.
Then came kids, and things got even more intense. Now it wasn’t just about seeing us, it was about seeing them and on the day. Everyone had expectations, and I was trying so hard to make everyone happy, but honestly? I was worn down and feeling bitter.
I kept thinking about when we were kids and the fact that we didn’t have to spend holidays driving from place to place. Why did our parents expect it from us?
And then one day, our kids who were about 7 and almost 4 at the time asked me why we never spent the holidays at home. Why they didn’t have any traditions in their own house except some decorations. That hit me hard.
That’s when I told my husband we were done. I’d talk to both sets of parents myself. From now on, Thanksgiving and Christmas would be at our house. We’d see everyone before or after, but not on the day.
My parents took it okay. My mother-in-law… not so much. I won’t go into details, but she’s not the easiest person to deal with. Even my husband will say that.
Some people might think I handled it wrong, and some might think I waited too long. But you know what? You can’t please everyone. At the end of the day, I had to do what was best for us. I just wish I’d done it sooner.
And now? We have memories I wouldn’t trade for anything—scavenger hunts to figure out whose gifts were whose, Thanksgivings with food from other cultures just to mix it up, and so much more.
The point of this little letter is: you know what’s best for you and your kids. Don’t let anyone take the joy out of your holidays. And if you’re lucky enough to have families that all celebrate together peacefully, you have a LOT to be thankful for.
This is my first “letter from the heart.” It’s messy, but I’m okay with that. When I write about personal stuff, I just have to write it and hit publish before I overthink it. I’d love to hear your stories—have you had struggles with family during the holidays? Or found a way that works for everyone?
Happy Thanksgiving ❤️
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